Those of us who have followed the career of Brian Eno are delighted to hear that he is now a special adviser to the Liberal Democrat party, perhaps we can look forward to a bold move to Party Political broadcasts that are purely ambient, with unfocussed yet very arty photos, for the duration. I enjoyed the slowed down country and western that he used in Apollo, thrilled to the slowed down Pachelbel Canon he used in Discrete Music, surely this man can connect to the youth of today, with the plangent tones of the Smurfs slowed to a glacial pace, revealing their inner beauty and discordant elements. If that does not speak to the youth of today, then I for one, don't know what will.

This is a man with a bold vision, he left Roxy Music just before they got successful, to release a bunch of solo records that no one has heard of, many of them on his own Obscure label. Having built up some success with his solo stuff, he then stopped writing music with words, and ignored endless calls, "please Brian can we have some more songs again, please, please", finally getting round to writing songs again, decades later, by which time, no one was terribly bothered anymore.

Don't we all want our political leaders to be more like Bono and U2, well clearly the Liberal Democrats have found their man, the man who was not content with driving the Talking Heads to new peaks of pretension, knew that that was not enough, and then brought us U2, the very summit of wrap around sunglasses wearing musical pretentiousness.

A man of the people, his diary details how he avoids the general public including his fans, and includes a couple of urine related anecdotes, only one of which I can really bring myself to repeat here. This is a man who has actually peed on a Duchamp urinal!

This is a man who famously burst a lung having sex, his credentials for the post of youth adviser, are self evident.

Perhaps this is what the country needs, we need to articulate our position in the world clearly, and nothing does this like a major Art Statement,

the KLF famously burnt a million pounds, well politicians have been getting away with this for years, without even providing much shock or entertainment.

We need pomp, we need grandeur, we need men who aren't afraid to wear make up and dress up like women, we need more references to modern revolutionary Peking opera, we need Eno.


PS - I should disclose to the reader that I own substantial numbers of aforesaid Eno's records, am not at all peeved that he never replied to my geeky fanboy letter twenty two years ago, felt that the god-like Talking Heads went off the boil with Remain in Light, and find U2 singles moderately catchy.

Tags: satire

There are obviously many different ways to choose a political leader, but the current system of choosing one based on how young they look seems to be pretty poor. Merely the fact that someone is youthfull does not recommend them to me as a political leader. My daughters are fine people, as are their friends, but I would not honestly recommend that they start running the country, unless perhaps they had tidied their room first.

Two possible approaches spring to mind ;

we should vote for candidates on the basis on which they resemble a James Bond villain. Now this would guarantee that we had someone who would walk the world stage with grace and stature, someone who was a confident leader, though perhaps cabinet members would be well advised to avoid upsets prior to leaving the room, lest they be tipped into a piranha filled garden pond.

This is an equal opportunities policy, equally open to men and women, and all races, including the purely fictional. You need neither be old or young, and lets face it an evil laugh is not a terribly difficult skill to master. You should of course have a bizarre, and sinister personal trait that is just the other side of unbelievable, such as webbed hands, or a third nipple, but lets face it, with plastic surgery these days, such traits are easily replicated.

The scope for other cabinet members is also tremendous, wouldn't Question Time be more entertaining if burly Koreans, were to throw steel rimmed bowler hats at the opposition, or Grace Jones started jumping from the ceiling. After all what is politics there for, if it is not to entertain us.

Not only is this policy sensible, and practical, but it could easily be introduced almost immediately. Gordon Brown, with the mere addition of a purring white cat, and some sinister backlighting, could easily become the megalomaniac "B" recently escaped from the Chinese Tong with their radioactive gold, the brains behind the former UK Prime Minister, this shadowy Scot from his mountainous lair in North Queensferry, controls the world's money supply to his own sinister ends.

With put down lines like "No Mr Cameron, I don't expect you to talk, I expect you to DIE!!!!!"


Alternatively, we should vote for the Prime Minister on the same basis that we choose to run a student election, that is the vote goes to the Football team mascot, or primate that has garnered most support. Similarly root vegetables would also be encouraged to run. I do however feel that it would be important not to split the primate vote, lest some lesser candidate like a career political managed to benefit, but surely these problems are not insurmountable.

The splendour and gaiety of election day, stuffed toys for mascots, pretty posters, witty slogans.

Then followed by five years of dreadful indecision and sliding into catastrophe and debt. But frankly I don't watch the news much, so the latter seems a small price to pay, if it makes the elections a bit more jolly, which lets admit is something that all right thinking people ought to be concerned about.

Tags: satire